Bitch Fest 2012

I have determined that I regret not saying things more than I regret saying things. With that line of thinking, I have some very interesting (heh) and bitchy things to say. At least, I think they’re interesting. Hopefully you at least find them entertaining. If not, well, you can leave. 

First up: Adele. I will begin by saying that I am jealous of her voice. Very jealous. I took three months of singing lessons from a former New York City opera singer and I am still hideously tone-deaf. The kicker? I can play clarinet and cello wonderfully (this opinion comes from others, not just myself). I would sell my soul to the devil for a singing voice like Adele’s. For any singing voice, actually. I propositioned him once (the devil), and he was like, “Bitch, please.” Ah well. 

I also think Adele is very beautiful and talented in many ways. But I hate her views on her weight. She is obese. Let’s be real. That is not someone who eats a balanced diet and exercises regularly. 

For some reason, she is proud of that fact. She makes statements like, “I'd rather weigh a ton and make an amazing album than look like Nicole Richie and do a shit album.” Cool, Adele. Your voice is not directly linked to your weight. I suspect if you got thinner in an unhealthy way, like doing cocaine or vomiting, your vocal cords would be damaged. 

But if you went about it a healthy way, you would still be you, with your kick-ass awesome voice. You just probably wouldn’t die of a heart attack at forty. Also, good job bashing Nicole Richie. I love how classy you are. 

But seriously, I love her music. It’s great. And I get that she loves food and hates exercise. But don’t bash other people for being thin. Especially if you suspect they have an eating disorder. That’s just not classy, girl. And that’s not helping anybody. 

Of course, this whole post is starting to feel a little hypocritical to me. I mean, I’m bashing her for bashing others. And calling her unclassy (that’s not a word, that’s okay). I just wanted to share my opinion on her attitude. She might look so much better with less weight on her. I think the main thing, however, is that if she lost weight (healthily; stop smoking, woman!) she would look less like she was about to be consumed by her rolls of flesh. 

Because that does not look fit and healthy. And people have done it! They have slimmed down without losing their curves! People like JLo, Beyonce, Jennifer Hudson! And so many others! They still look like them, with all of their curves. Their curves are not insulated with fat, however. And I’d prefer that Adele stay around for a long time so she can continue to contribute in such a meaningful way to society, instead of getting diabetes and having a stroke. Here, have another picture:

Also, I'll let you know if the pictures are ever mine. But so far, they are not. I found them on Google. Thank you. Also also, I am not making any of these statements as a licensed medical professional. Or as any kind of professional, licensed or otherwise.