Let us continue onward, to Bitchfest 2012 Part 2. Today, the festing will be extreme breastfeeding. I know people who do it, and it’s still creepy as hell to me. Let me again say that I am not a licensed professional of any kind. Also, when I say “you” I am not specifically directing this to anyone I know. I have witnessed breastfeeding and extreme breastfeeding a lot from a lot of different people. Some I know personally, some I do not.
Pictured above: an iffy parent.
I know that there are apparently health benefits to breastfeeding your child. The policy behind extreme breastfeeding seems to be the longer you do it, the more benefit. I am not sure that is true. I have not really done any research on this, but I’m against it for many reasons. The first reason: if your kid can ask to be breastfed, he’s too old to be breastfed. Seriously. I remember when I was younger I did not want to go from a bottle to a sippy cup. I was very, very against the change. But you know what? I did it anyway. Because my mother told me to. I just worry that for some women, it’s not that they think the health benefits for their children are great, it’s that they don’t want to tell their kids no. I get it. He’s an adorable genius of wit and beauty. He’s the light of your life. But if you just don’t want to say no to him, he’s going to become a little uncontrollable asshole. And that is doing a disservice to yourself, your child, and society. Because I do not care how cute you think he is, I will cut him if he acts the ass to me. I don’t actually cut people. That was an exaggeration. But I will not be happy with him, anyway.
This is just the start.
I also worry about your child having mother issues. I recently watched a video where a little girl was eight years old and still being breastfed by her mother. Not constantly, like an infant, but regularly enough. When one of my friends was eight years old, she entered puberty. She wasn’t really exposed to many harmful hormones that caused her to progress faster than normal, that was just what her body wanted to do. When I was eleven I started to hit puberty. To put it to you honestly, at that time I was DTF. If you don’t know what that means, I suggest you look it up on Urban Dictionary. Now, I wasn’t really down for it, but my hormones where there and my body was prepared. Breasts are not simply sexual tools, but when puberty hits and the hormones start raging, they become that way in the puberty stricken kid’s eyes. You might not get sexual pleasure from your son suckling you, (hell, you might) but eventually he or she might, if you keep up the extreme breastfeeding long enough.
This could be you and your son. Just saying.
On a similar vein, public breastfeeding is also something that I’m not exactly always for. I am aware that when it’s time, it is time for the baby to be fed. Yes. But don’t be surprised if people around you are surprised. All of the sudden you are flashing your girls and people are like, “what is going on?” Then they see the baby, and the feel a little awkward. So for one, please do not expose your breasts to the public. I have witnessed this. I almost had an aneurysm. I'm talking about women actually exposing both their breasts in public. And I don't mean a peek of nipple before the baby latches on and gets covered up, I mean they're just letting the girls out for some air. I get that the baby has to have access to that area, but you are in public, and I think sometimes those women are just exposing their breasts for the fun of it. The baby is coming secondary. Also, don’t be all offended if people are grossed out. I know, it’s beautiful and natural and your kid is going to be a genius and my kid is going to be retarded, but it can be surprising to people. Especially if you are breastfeeding a nine year old. With both your ladies exposed. While you coo, “Doesn’t that feel good, baby? Oh you like that baby?” to your child. I have witnessed this happening, but do I say anything? No. Because you seem to have all kinds of other problems, and I am not a licensed professional.
Here's a nice picture of a pig to make everyone feel better. Even the people I have no doubt offended. Also, yes, I use the word retarded. I am not sorry, and I do not call people with mental or physical disabilities that. And just because people extreme breastfeed or breastfeed in public does not mean I hate them or think they are awful parents. I am just talking about the some cases I have witnessed that I find really inappropriate.
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